The Father who Stayed

I have read the parable of the prodigal son, as recorded in the Bible — specifically in Luke 15:11–32 — more times than I can count, and all that time I believed it was about a wayward son. It has taken me a lifetime to understand that it is also about the Father who chose to wait — to wait in love and patience and all that is noble, restrained and quietly heroic about being a parent.

It is easy to focus on the rebellion of the son — his hunger, the shame of tending pigs, the mud clinging to him, the squandered inheritance slipping through reckless fingers. It is easy to dramatise the fall; collapse is visible, measurable, almost cinematic. Through his collapse, we extract lessons about bad choices and consequence, and perhaps we feel a certain moral reassurance that the story makes sense.

But now, as I write — and as I have watched men and women fracture from their children because of choices made in youth or pride or pain — and as I have watched children harden themselves against the very ones who raised them — I find that my ache has shifted. I ache for the father. The father who stayed.

He did not chase the boy down the road as he watched him leave with his premature inheritance in his pocket, fully aware of the likelihood that it would be squandered. He did not clutch at his son’s sleeve and cry, “You owe me.” There was no screaming, no public unraveling, no dramatic outburst between them. He neither threatened nor collapsed, nor did he stage a performance of wounded dignity to preserve his pride before the village. He divided the inheritance and released his child — and I can only imagine that he did so while feeling a kind of death within himself, a grief so profound that words would have been insufficient and action futile.

I imagine him standing in the courtyard long after the dust settled, the servants quieter than usual, the neighbours whispering behind lowered voices, his older son watching carefully and drawing conclusions unique to youth — conclusions about fairness, about loyalty, about what is deserved. I imagine the family table that evening, one place suddenly larger than it had ever been, and quieter. And still, the father waited.

He did not wait with clenched fists or rehearsed speeches about what he would say if repentance ever appeared at his gate. He did not rehearse humiliation or moral lectures. Instead, through the long, silent season of absence, he trained his eyes toward the horizon. I know that look with intimacy. It is the look of someone who has decided that love will not be withdrawn even if relationship has been, someone who understands that control may secure compliance but it cannot secure the heart.

This is the first lesson: love does not control to secure loyalty, because loyalty born of control is not loyalty at all — it is fear. And so real love releases, even knowing it risks humiliation, rejection, misunderstanding and grief.

When the son finally returns, he does not return magnificent or reformed in visible splendour. He returns thin, smelling of animals, carrying the unmistakable air of someone who has reached the lowest point of his life through his own choices. He has prepared a speech — a careful demotion of himself: “Make me like one of your hired servants.” In that sentence, he restructures the relationship; his father becomes employer, he becomes hired help. It is an attempt at survival more than reconciliation.

And yet the father does something culturally undignified. He runs. In that world, older men did not run. They walked with composure; they preserved authority through restraint. But this father lifts his robes and runs toward the boy — before the village can shame him, before the apology is completed, before character has been proven through time. He runs toward him as he is.

This is the second lesson: love moves toward the broken before they earn restoration. The father does not negotiate terms. He places a robe on him — not a servant’s garment but his own. He places a ring on his finger — restoring authority and sonship. He ensures sandals cover his feet — because sons, not servants, wear sandals. In that sequence, identity is restored before performance is measured. There is no probationary period, no slow earning back of affection.

How many fathers struggle to do this? How many require visible grovelling, extended proof, or permanent demotion? How many say, “You may return, but you will never stand where you once stood”? This father refuses such calculations.

And yet the story does not conclude with the embrace. There is another son — the obedient one, the steady one, the one who counted his loyalty like coins and measured fairness with precision. He stands outside the celebration, wounded in a different way, and the father goes out again. That detail unsettles me deeply. The father does not choose between sons; he does not dismiss the elder with irritation or say, “You should know better.” He pleads with him. “Everything I have is yours.” The father’s heart is not divided by two children; it is expanded enough to hold them both.

Here lies the lesson that lingers with me: from the father’s perspective, there are two lost children — one lost in rebellion and one lost in resentment — and he moves toward both. If I am honest, and honesty is required if one is to write truthfully, I have inhabited all three roles at different seasons of my life: the one who left, the one who stayed and judged, and, in rare and trembling moments, the one who waited.

To wait without bitterness is a spiritual discipline. To restore without humiliation requires strength of a rare order. To celebrate someone who wounded you is a courage beyond pride. Perhaps the deepest lesson from the father’s point of view is this: he refuses to define his son by his worst chapter. “This son of mine was dead and is alive again.” He frames the narrative around life, not betrayal.

What might our families look like if we told our stories that way? Not, “You betrayed us,” but, “You are alive again.”

There is something in this parable that feels older than doctrine. It feels like a blueprint for generational healing — release without disowning, waiting without rotting, running without rehearsing superiority, restoring without probation, pleading with both the dutiful and the defiant. Perhaps that is what real authority looks like — not dominance, not moral accounting, but a love so secure in itself that it can afford to be undignified and to wait.

After all, we cannot script the timing of another’s awakening. And perhaps this is what it truly means to let go of our children — not to control their journey, but to keep the door open, trusting that love planted deeply enough does not disappear, even when it wanders far from home,

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Wednesday, 28 January 2026.

I’ve begun placing reflections on Substack. I feel a strong need to add layers to my voice, alongside what already lives on my website. I keep wondering about an end goal. I don’t actually know what it is — and for now, I’m at peace with that.

What I do know is that I am loving this chapter of my life: expanding my voice outward, meeting similar and not-so-similar minds, and letting the work travel a little further than before. There is something quietly freeing about writing without needing to arrive anywhere in particular.

I feel ready to share the whispers of my soul beyond the confines of myself — to let them find their place in the world, and in my own life, as they unfold.

The Discipline of an Open Heart

I have come to believe that two complex and opposing truths can almost always coexist.

In my relationships, I live with low expectations and yet I move through life held by hope. This balance keeps my thoughts grounded in context and my heart deliberately soft. I chose long ago to keep my heart open—not out of naïveté, but because it is how I wish to live.

I love the sensation of my heart expanding and leaning outward. The quiet intimacy of falling in love with life itself, with strangers, with fleeting moments. Love, in its purest form, centres my soul and grants me the freedom to breathe deeply and without restraint.

I understand, perhaps too well, the fragility of being human—our limitations, our fear, and the courage it takes simply to remain present.

To reflect honestly, to grow, to heal, and to walk this life with groundedness, insight, and discernment requires a devotion that unfolds over a lifetime. These qualities are not acquired quickly or easily. They are refined through lived experience, through humility, through loss. To be human in this way is, in itself, an act of courage.

This understanding has shaped my commitment to myself and to how I choose to experience life.

Within that space, I have learned to hold strict boundaries alongside a wide and generous concept of love. I no longer confuse openness with self-abandonment, nor closeness with obligation. Love does not always disappear; sometimes it simply changes shape.

And when it does leave, I trust that it has fulfilled its purpose in my life. It was contextualised love—true for a season, meaningful in its time—and now it asks to be released.

I have also committed to no longer chasing closeness, nor over-explaining myself in the hope of being understood. I will never again abandon myself in order to be chosen.

I sit firmly in my own sense of self-worth, self-respect, and dignity. From that place, I am acutely aware of when these values are honoured and when they are not.

I do not confront what diminishes them with drama or force. I allow silence to speak. I allow attitudes to fill the space between us. And only when they have settled fully do I step away—quietly, with my head held high.

Living from this place of low expectations and hope has given me both emotional lightness and depth. It has released me from the weight of frustration, from the impulse to grieve endlessly or to fix others simply because I can see their potential, or the imagined potential of what we might become.

I no longer live in possibility.
I live in presence.
In the clarity of what is, rather than what could be.

This way of being took time to embrace. Yet once I understood the emotional state from which I wished to experience life, the path revealed itself—its skills, its limitations, its clear choices.

What emerged was a way forward that honoured this singular and precious life.

We are all layered beings, revealing only fragments of ourselves at any given moment—the parts that feel safe enough to share. And in that space, for me, low expectations held alongside hope become an act of respect.

For the other.
And for myself.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Time is My Companion

Time is my companion—
the quiet essence of my presence,
the unseen artist shaping my form and contour.
From time I have gathered my insights;
through time my soul has found its voice.

It is no wonder that as I move into my Autumn years,
my outer light softens, making space
for the deeper radiance within to emerge.
This is a hard-earned presence—
one that draws the right people closer
and gently sifts the rest away.

I no longer spend my precious time
on those who do not belong in my season.
My soul holds this knowing as its holy grail.

I have no need for validation,
no hunger to be seen,
no impulse to explain myself,
no longing to be liked.

Respect is the road I walk.
Those who meet me must read its signage
and choose their steps accordingly.

The need to be validated, understood, or approved of
are swing doors—
flapping open and shut with every passing body.
I have no use for such doors.

Time is my companion,
and with it, I close what no longer suits my sou.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

The Human Thread

I have always loved books — and more importantly, I have loved the authors who opened my mind to other ways of thinking, living, and loving. I loved those who challenged my sense of reality and time, and who revealed to me that my experiences are forged by the meaning I assign to them — the result of a network of brain regions working together. In other words, if I give my memories a different meaning, I experience different emotions. That reality has always felt magical to me, as though I am the sorcerer in my own life. Reading books — entering other worlds — taught me that.

I also admit that I am deeply partial to the classics. Twain, the Brontë sisters, Austen, Hugo, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Eliot, Flaubert, Woolf — just to name a few — allowed me to step inside their inner walls like a visitor to the moon.

To the moon, because I knew that not in a million years would I ever live the lives they shaped on the page, nor would I encounter such characters in my day-to-day life.

But what unites all these authors is not style, language, or ear — it is their shared excavation of unchanging human truths. The inner human condition remains forever the same: recognisable, repetitive.

And that, to me, is astonishing.

Because as a society — and within each generation — people believe their lives are unique, their challenges special and distinct to them and the era they inhabit.

Wise King Solomon once wrote, “There is nothing new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:9). Yet it is only in hindsight, as our winter years quietly creep upon us, that we realise how long it takes to become wise — because for so much of life, a veil covered our minds and we comprehended only what sat directly on our nose.

Nowadays, I am keenly aware that every book I read is merely part of the continuous thread binding humanity from the beginning of time.

The only difference is the ever-evolving spoken and written word.

The heart of humanity remains still and untouched.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Tuesday, 19 January 2025

It has taken me a lifetime to sift through beliefs from the world, from teachers, media, and even well-meaning family members, to figure out what happiness and achievement mean to me.

I remember in my youth wanting a big double-storey house. Now, I can’t think of anything worse. I imagine going up and down the stairs all day — and then the cleaning. Don’t even get me started. I think I’d go batty at some point.

I realise now that simplicity is an uncomplicated life — and an uncomplicated life is a peaceful one.

I want just enough money to roam this world doing what I love, and to be surrounded by love.

Love is really the only thing that makes sense — the reason to get out of bed each day and to keep breathing in and out until the very last breath.

On Beginning Again

I am starting a new chapter tomorrow.

At nearly 59, I am teaching in a new post.
I am excited — and also very anxious.

I am acutely aware of the difference between starting a new chapter in my twenties and starting one in my fifties.

In my twenties, I don’t recall overthinking to the degree I do now. Yet I was the least confident version of myself. People, back then, made me nervous because I didn’t know if they were genuine or not, and I was unsure how their intentions might impact me in the workplace. I also knew I lacked a significant degree of professional and communication skills — and yet, I walked in believing I would somehow survive, eventually learn the ropes, and thrive.

All I had to do was allow the day to unfold and keep turning up.

Now, I wonder whether I will be able to navigate the labyrinth of all this newness — and even as I type, I find myself challenging the gremlins in my mind.

What labyrinth?
What if there is no labyrinth?
What if I simply let the day unfold?

What if I treated the day like a recipe?
Step one.
Step two.
Step three.

Maybe it’s time to simply drop the feeling onto the floor.
Maybe I don’t need to pick up the baggage at all.

Yes — like that.
On the floor.

I want the day to be over, and yet I also want to remember it in fine detail — so I don’t miss the feedback, the magic, the excitement.

New chapters teach me just as much about the woman I am in my fifties as they did about the woman I was in my twenties — just different lessons, different mirrors, different insecurities following me.

Maybe that is what this is really about: learning to meet each new version of myself so I can step into the next chapter with continued growth, allowing myself to become someone new again.

Maybe my mind wants to settle and retire from “new,” but my soul does not.

As a twenty-year-old, I never wanted to settle or retire. I wanted to remain eternally curious about life and living.

Ah — that’s what it is.

I am a little nervous about curiosity these days because it brings change, and my soul is tired of change.

But I see now what my soul truly needs.

I need to be kind to myself.
I need to reassure the voice inside my head that I have her back — and that together, we will be just fine.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Monday, 12 January 2026

I have been sad of late, but in such moments I choose quiet, allowing the sadness to move through my body—bloodstream, sinew, breath. I embrace it with care. I slow my thoughts and lean into whatever rises.

I often wonder why people cannot see that we have more in common than what divides us. We all want love, security, opportunity, connection, belonging, and to be seen.

Life is already hard enough without making it deliberately harder, as humanity’s historical choices so often show.

But I am a dreamer, and I thank God daily for this gift. In that space, I move through life knowing that remaining present to my dreams is my truest reality.

A Life Shaped by Many Worlds

I have been a migrant twice over.

The first time was when we migrated to Denmark. I was only eighteen months old, and we lived in Copenhagen for four years. I loved Denmark — deeply and instinctively.

There, I learned about contentment and emotional presence. About equality as a daily practice. That work is not life. That belonging doesn’t require oversharing. That emotional restraint can be a form of respect. That nature regulates the inner world. That happiness is not purely individual, but a collective responsibility.

I was introduced to pølser, smørrebrød, wienerbrød, frikadeller, æbleskiver, pickled herring, and lakrids.
My cartoon companions were Pippi Langstrømpe, Bamse, Kaj og Andrea, the Moomins, and Karlsson-on-the-Roof.

Even as a child, I absorbed something essential: that I could be flawed, a little strange, slightly off-beat — and still belong. That kindness mattered more than authority. That boundaries were to be respected, not enforced through fear.

We migrated to Australia when I was just under seven.

Here, I learned a different rhythm. Fish and chips, the humble meat pie, scones, vanilla slice, and the familiar ritual of the Aussie barbecue. I learned about egalitarianism, informality as social glue, humour as survival, mateship and loyalty, practicality over polish, a deep connection to land, and a healthy suspicion of pretension.

School became a feast of multiculturalism. My friends came from all corners of the world, and my senses expanded through food — döner kebab, moussaka, pizza, ćevapi, baklava, galaktoboureko, tiramisu, kremšnita — and through music: Barış Manço, Lucio Battisti, Bijelo Dugme, Nana Mouskouri.

We played together, aware of our differences and aware of our sameness. We peeked into each other’s worlds, learning their rhythms and pace. We lived side by side, growing through one another, while carrying our cultures quietly at home.

My core expanded. My understanding of self widened. And yet, throughout it all, I felt the steady pull of my Polish–Russian roots. That pull has never left me.

I feel enormously blessed for the people, the sounds, the sights, and the tastes that crossed my life. I learned that there is not one way to live. That reality is shaped by culture. And that love is the greatest thread of humanity — the one that stitches us all together.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Forgiving in Silence

I forgive people in silence, long before they ask — or deserve it.
I especially forgive those who never ask, and who will never be part of my life again.

I am no saint. I have my own shadows — moments of regret, lack of skill, and choices that reveal my humanity rather than my virtue.

My reason for forgiving is not altruism, nor does it come from some exceptional empathy for the imperfections of others. I forgive because I do not like the weight of not forgiving. I do not like how it occupies my mind, or tightens the space between my breasts. It is a heavy way to breathe, day after day.

So I forgive quietly, and I move on. I let experiences transform into insight, into learning. I allow my heart to navigate the process, and I can almost feel my thoughts forming new synapses as I do.

It is not painless. Forgiveness often requires meeting grief, fear, insecurity, and loss — without rushing past them.

But on the other side of that work is something I value deeply: the ability to live lightly, and in the light of growth.

I have learned that committing to how I want to experience life — rather than reacting to how life happens — is the most satisfying way for me to live.

I hope, with my whole heart, that I will always return to this place.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

More Than One Culture

I am a migrant.

For me, that means I am not fully one culture, nor neatly divided into two. Over time, I have learned to inhabit a third space — and then many more beyond it.

I recognise this because when I am with my Polish friends, my roots, my Australian way of thinking quietly rises to the surface. And when I am with my Australian friends, my Polish ways — shaped by migration, memory, and history — make themselves known. I am always slightly more than the room I am in.

What I have come to understand, especially through travel and curiosity, is that I am far more than the sum of two cultures. I am expanded by the many places I have visited and the many people I have loved — friends from different corners of the world who invited me into their languages, customs, food, humour, grief, and joy.

Through them, I have been stretched.

My understanding of people, relationships, and humanity has widened. I have learned that beneath our differences, we share the same essential needs: dignity, respect, love, belonging, security, opportunity, care, and structure. I have tasted foods that altered my senses, walked landscapes that rearranged my sense of scale, and encountered lives that quietly changed how I understand truth.

In my darkest moments, this knowing has sustained me. It reminded me that I was — and am — rich, not in possession, but in experience.

And still, I remain deeply rooted.

I carry my DNA, my ancestors, and their unfinished stories within me. Their voices are awake in my daily life, echoing in ways both subtle and unmistakable. I welcome their whispers. I honour the journeys they took — spiritually, emotionally, and mentally — because they live on through me.

In this way, I know I have passed something meaningful on to my children: not only ancestral memory, but a widened world.

I feel blessed.

Life is a gift. And if life is a gift, then so is every human being within it. This truth settles deeply in me — offering faith, and with it, hope.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Tuesday, 30 December 2025

I am currently holidaying in Moree, in NSW, Australia. Situated on the fertile black soil plains above the Great Artesian Basin, Moree has invited me into a slower rhythm. I’ve been spending generous time in the artesian pools – resting, decompressing, and, for me, gently settling my nervous system.

Moree has been particularly kind in this regard. It is a small town of fewer than ten thousand people – little traffic, minimal modern noise, and very little light pollution. In this quiet, I’ve found myself returning to my books with a depth of attention that feels nourishing rather than effortful.

One of the books I’ve been reading is Shame by Joseph Burgo. I’ve read several works on shame over the years, but this one resonates most deeply. Burgo does not frame shame as something inherently toxic to be eliminated, but rather as a roadmap – one that can lead toward authentic self-esteem. That perspective speaks to me profoundly.

I have never been comfortable with flattening emotions into categories of “good” or “bad,” or with bypassing their nuance and complexity. That approach has always felt like a subtle form of gaslighting – a retreat from genuine self-awareness in favour of moral neatness or emotional avoidance. Feelings, to me, are teachers. They ask to be understood, not managed away.

So it feels quietly affirming to encounter a voice that honours this depth – one that resonates not just intellectually, but at the level of the soul.

Thank you, Dr. Burgo.

Ethical Love and the Courage to Choose Restraint

Love.
What is love?

We all need it, feel it, are inspired by it, and in many instances, make choices directly because of love.

Love, grammatically speaking, is function-flexible.

As a noun, love is patient.
As a verb, perhaps the most familiar expression: I love you.
It can also act as a gerund (a verb acting as a noun): loving takes courage.

In many ways, love imitates art — and in this context, grammar — it is as complex as its usage.

And the most complex form of all is ethical love.

Ethical love is care that never overrides another person’s autonomy, dignity, or consent — regardless of closeness, affection, or responsibility.
It is love governed by respect, not entitlement.

Ethical love is the practice of caring for someone without claiming ownership over their inner world, their choices, or their becoming.

It does not ask, “Do I love you?”
It asks, “Am I loving you in a way that preserves who you are?”

Ethical love requires that we see each person through the lens of their humanity.

Because behind every person — whether we know them or not — is their history: lived experience, internal narratives, beliefs, and a worldview shaped over time.

And almost none of that is visible.

We may make assumptions based on clothing, skin colour, energy, or expressed views — but these are, at best, guestimates.

The deeper truths are simpler.

We have far more in common than what divides us.
We all want to be loved, to feel safe, to have access to medical care, secure housing, and the ability to feed ourselves and those we love.

A necessary caveat: these reflections exclude situations where abuse or clearly toxic behaviour endangers another person.

So how does ethical love behave when it feels threatened?

This is where the difference between love and ethical love becomes clear.

Ethical love behaves very differently from anxious or possessive love when under threat.
The difference is restraint, not withdrawal.

Ethical love pauses before acting. When fear, jealousy, or the possibility of loss arises, it notices the threat internally and allows the emotion to register — but it resists impulsive action, understanding that emotion is information, not instruction.

This distinction matters.

Feeling threatened is real. But when threat is processed as information and met with restraint, it opens space for choice.

Even then, ethical love continues to honour another person’s sovereignty — their right to autonomy.

At its core, ethical love operates from a simple internal truth:
“I am afraid — but fear does not give me rights.”

This is crucial.

No matter how threatened we feel, ethical love refuses to interrogate, invade, or control. Instead, it contains fear in order to seek clarity, understanding, honest dialogue, and internal grounding — rather than compliance.

Ethical love invites truth.
It does not demand reassurance.

This is the crux of ethical love: it makes room for the possibility of loss.

The hardest aspect of love is the willingness to risk distance, tolerate uncertainty, survive misunderstanding, and endure grief if necessary.

Why would ethical love allow for the possibility of loss?

Because it does not trade dignity for security.
It does not collapse into self-erasure.
It does not escalate into domination.
It does not manipulate emotionally.
It does not moralise fear (“If you loved me, you would…”).
It does not confuse urgency with intimacy.

These are threat responses — not love.

When we operate from ethical love, especially under threat, the body may feel tense but grounded; alert, not panicked; sorrowful rather than frantic; restrained rather than urgent.

There is pain — but not chaos.

When I began operating from a place of restraint, I was finally able to face a lifetime of grief. In that space, I was able to process it.

Only through processed grief can I now sense whether I am acting from ethical love — or from grief itself.

Unprocessed grief, more often than not, sits at the centre of how we navigate situations where we feel emotionally threatened.

And perhaps this is the quiet truth:

Love does not become ethical by how intensely we feel, but by how carefully we behave when we are afraid.

Ethical love is not the absence of fear.
It is the refusal to let fear decide who we become.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

From Performing Empathy to Precise Empathy

I am on holidays in the wonderful Moree, in NSW, Australia. Moree is famous for its therapeutic Artesian Hot Springs, its rich agricultural land (wheat, cotton, pecans), vibrant Art Deco heritage buildings, significant Aboriginal culture, and its role in the history of Australia’s Civil Rights Movement, notably the Freedom Ride protest at its public pool.

In this space, my mind went into what is empathetic performance vs precise empathy.

Empathetic performance is displayed care that is driven by fear of judgment rather than genuine feeling.

In my youth, I performed empathy because I did not want to be seen as cold, bad, or immoral. This showed with me knowing the right words to say while feeling nothing in particular, helping others because others were watching and judging me in my community, staying longer than I wanted to at a celebration because I did not want to come across as uncaring, seriously over-explaining my good intentions, sacrificing my comfort, time, or boundaries to maintain a moral image but ultimately feeling resentful, drained, or faulsely exposed afterward.

I performed empathy not because it was arising inside of me but because I felt socially pressured to do so.

Is this wrong though?

How many times, do we encourage our children to say “thank you” when given a present?

How many times, even as adults, do we say “thank you” for a present that is clearly not something that we want, need or desire?

 Afterall, at no point in time, was I being cruel, or lacked empathy, nor was I being selfish.

I stopped performing empathy in my 40s which coincided with healing my nervous system and thus my gaining the skills to retrain my nervous system.

My nervous system had adapted intelligently to an environment where moral safety depended on appearance, not truth.

The covert message I received in my youth “How I am perceived matters more than what I intend.”.

The learning did not come from one event. It was a social pattern I picked up that communicated my tone and not my meaning was important, that behaving neutral was interpreted as being emotionally cold, being corrected emotionally rather than being emotionally understood was the norm, and appearing good prevented escalation,

My nervous system optimized for social survival.

What happened in my 40s that was the beginning of me being able to heal my nervous system?

My father died.

I performed a lot for him. I was the good girl, the dutiful daughter and the child he was extremely proud of because I had achieved my father, as a migrant in Australia, what he had not been able to achieve – a successful career, a lovely home, a good family and financial security.

So, when he died, something inside of me cracked open, like a volcano that erupted from the centre of its core.

I no longer wanted to identify as the good girl, the dutiful daughter or the child who sought my fathers pride and fundamentally approval.

And it hit me like a brick in the head – I NO LONGER FELT THE NEED TO SEEK MY FATHER’S APPROVAL and by definition, I no longer had to shift ANYONE’S approval.

This whole and big world opened up to me and I started shaking off beliefs that I no longer believed, narratives that were not mine to carry, dreams that I never cared for, relationships that had long ago not served me but drained me, clothes that I had outgrown….I sifted and springcleaned my life.

I felt empowered.

I also bled onto others and that was my only and biggest regret.

Strangely, it was the ability to truly feel and own regrets that opened up a lifetime of grief and being able to look at my life with acute truth and without judgement that gave birth to me healing my nervous system.

Within the space of regrets is the birth of humility. The voice that that knows what is mine to carry, what is not, and to act without needing to appear important, good, or superior.

And I stopped proving my goodness, stopped defending my image, embraced my limits without shame, accepted my strengths, admitted my limitations without collapsing, discerned the boundary what was not mine to fix and I was able to admit when I was wrong without losing my dignity.

And I found this amazing calm, unhurried energy and quiet confidence and I was able to behave with ethical clarity and in that space I learned the power of “I will care where care is actually needed.”

I found home in precise empathy and I started to live in truth.

I cannot be everything to everyone.

I have finite capacity.

And the most powerful truth – not all suffering belongs to me.

Interestingly, my heart has become bigger, not smaller. I feel emotionally safe now — safe enough to feel, and safe enough to say no.

I applaud my younger self, because behaving in socially appropriate ways, even when I did not yet feel them, was not deception — it was adaptation. It was intelligence. It was a nervous system doing exactly what it needed to do in order to survive an environment where belonging depended on appearance, not truth.

That version of me was not wrong. She was learning.

But I no longer need to live there.

Today, empathy no longer needs to be performed. It arises – or it doesn’t – and I trust that distinction. I care where care is actually needed, not where it is demanded, expected, or socially rewarded. I can stay present without self-erasure, compassionate without collapse, ethical without exhaustion.

This is what precise empathy has given me:

  • clarity without cruelty,
  • humility without shame,
  • and a deep, embodied permission to be truthful.

I have learned that I cannot be everything to everyone.

That my capacity is finite.

And that not all suffering belongs to me.

And in accepting this, I have finally found something I never had before – a sense of home inside myself.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Assuming I belong

There is always a part of me that feels I don’t belong. It doesn’t matter who I’m with — family or not, loving or not, accepting or not. The thought is persistent and irrational, a quiet but insistent whisper that lives somewhere in my mind.

I recognise it immediately when it appears. My heart sinks into the hollow between my breasts, my breath becomes shallow, and my body stiffens, then numbs. These physical signals are familiar to me. Inevitably, I feel disconnected from my surroundings, as though I’ve slipped into a psychological tunnel, far away from the people beside me — even when our shoulders are touching.

I know this thought, and the way my body responds to it, is unproductive and, frankly, toxic.

Yesterday, a friend invited me to a Sunday indoor spa afternoon with a group of women. My first instinct was to decline. Instead, I paused. I questioned the messages running through my mind — and the stories my eyes were already telling me.

I questioned my inner voice.

What if I do belong?
What if I simply assumed I belonged?

And then another thought followed: what if belonging requires nothing more than assumption? What if, in that assumption, my heart relaxed — and in relaxing, expanded outward? How differently would I experience my reality then?

So I assumed. And then I assumed some more. I even began to enjoy rewriting the evening in my mind, deciding — deliberately — that these women enjoyed and valued my company too.

There were five of us. We met at four in the afternoon. There was small talk, cheese platters, fruit, cake, soft drinks, and later coffee. We talked and laughed and shared stories until ten that night. Somewhere along the way, a warm, gentle bubble formed around us — and I was inside it.

We laughed freely. We ate without counting calories or weighing ourselves down with judgment. We were simply present.

I think when the whispers return — and they will — I won’t try to silence them. Instead, I’ll choose to assume a different truth. One that serves me.

I belong wherever I assume I belong.

And it is a delicious feeling.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Sunday, 14 December 2025

Today I am feeling sad. I don’t always know why, only that it rises as a quiet awareness – a reminder that the human journey asks for constant gratitude and presence. I’ve never found comfort in comparing myself to someone “worse off,” because that implies another’s suffering should make me feel fortunate, and that logic has always felt at odds with love.

So instead, I simply allow my sadness to be here. I let it speak. And in that space, I find insight and a strange, steady peace.
Sadness has always been one of my greatest teachers.

Living in Truth After a Childhood of Illusions

The sadness of being emotionally neglected as a child is that I learned never to neglect the people I love. So, when no one turned up for me, I accepted it. At my lowest and darkest, when I lay in a hospital bed, only my husband came. The truth is painful: expecting no one to show up for me is still my reality, although now it is no longer my truth.

Healing is slow and steady. The past, however, has a loud voice, and each day I work to challenge it into the lie that it is.

The fact is, I was my mother’s personal cleaner from the age of three. I scrubbed her house, vacuumed, washed floors, cleaned the bathroom, washed my own clothes, hung them on the line while standing on a ladder, and changed everyone’s sheets. I believed that if I made myself useful enough – good enough – she would finally see my worth.

She never did. And when I confronted her about my childhood, she denied all of it. That was the moment I understood our family was built on illusions. When I stopped protecting those illusions and chose instead to live in truth, I became a threat.

I learned that when people live in illusions, they must defend them. Having those illusions challenged triggers shame. The trouble with shame is that it cannot move; it ferments in the soul. And when shame is triggered, the ego becomes fiercely invested in defending the illusion, not in seeking accountability, growth, or gratitude.

Eventually, every person must choose: uphold the illusion, or live in truth. One path preserves belonging; the other preserves the soul. I chose freedom. And freedom meant exile from the clan.

The grief was profound. I had to face that the worth I believed I had earned—by being useful, patient, responsible – would never be acknowledged or loved. But refusing to live in someone else’s illusion also forced me to confront the illusions I had created for myself.

Freedom is found in truth, but only after grieving the years spent living a lie for the comfort of others. Once the grief dissolves, the path that had always been waiting reveals itself.

In that clearing, a doorway stands open – quiet, steady, and entirely yours.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Respect or Deference: The Quiet Difference That Shapes Our Relationships

A relationship based on respect versus one based on deference produces entirely different outcomes.

A relationship based on respect says:

  • “You and I are equal in dignity.”
  • Differences of opinion, boundaries, and needs can be spoken.
  • Boundaries are allowed and respected.
  • Authority can exist without humiliation.
  • Differences do not threaten the bond.
  • Responsibility is shared.
  • Repair is possible.

Succinctly, respect is mutual recognition.
It requires emotional maturity, tolerance of discomfort, accountability, and a stable sense of self.

Deference, on the other hand, is a relationship based on:

  • “I feel safe only if you don’t challenge me.”
  • One person adapts; the other does not.
  • One person must stay quiet, agreeable, or invisible.
  • Authority is experienced as a threat unless it belongs to me.
  • Conflict is dangerous.
  • Withdrawal or punishment replaces dialogue.

Deference, briefly put, is one-sided safety.
It requires submission, silence, self-erasure, and avoidance of accountability.

Relationships based on deference are often experienced as calm—initially.
But that calm exists only because tension is suppressed, nothing is named, and one person absorbs all discomfort while the other never has to adjust. Calm is maintained because one person shrinks, becomes small, and is rendered insignificant.

Deference-based relationships are unhealthy because one person’s comfort is protected while the other remains indefinitely uncomfortable and is expected to accept their lot. This creates an emotional hierarchy—often reinforced by wealth, status, or power.

That hierarchy collapses quickly when one person sets a boundary, asks for fairness, asserts authority, or names the impact of the other’s behaviour. Because they no longer fall into line, they are seen as the problem. The system fails the moment adult emotional maturity is required.

For emotional hierarchy to function, one person must swallow resentment, apologise for being reasonable, over-function, doubt themselves, and avoid naming the truth.

In short: a relationship based on deference feels calm only as long as one person disappears.
A relationship based on respect can tolerate truth, boundaries, and shared authority.

I grew up in a household that expected deference rather than respect. Love was tied to endurance, not mutual adjustment. My parents held the emotional gravity: family life organised itself around their moods, while I adapted, managed, smoothed over, absorbed, and stayed quiet. Conflict threatened the bond because love was equated with restraint.

When my father died, my family imploded. I became estranged from my mother. I grieved that loss for two years. And then—unexpectedly—it gave me freedom: to find my voice, my sense of self, and my dignity.

I finally found self-respect.

The greatest gift my parents inadvertently gave me was this clarity:
relationships grounded in mutual respect are the only ones built on true love, emotional maturity, and stability.

I found myself by expecting respect as the foundation of my relationships—and from that came genuine happiness and security.

The Difference Between Wounded Mothering and Healed Mothering

It has taken me, entering my autumn years, to understand that mothering from a healed self versus a wounded self is a completely different mindset at every level.

I remember being a young mother, determined – absolutely determined – not to make the same mistakes my own mother made. But while I was running away from my inheritance, I had no idea what I was running towards. My compass was broken. All I knew was what I did not want. This is not a reliable intention. It is like driving a car with the destination labelled: “I don’t want to get lost. I just want a safe journey.”

So I read hundreds of books on parenting, absorbing every new theory on babies, children, and teenagers. I read and read and read.

But with maturity – and hindsight – I now see that knowledge without a healed self means parenting from fear.
And fear squeezes out love.

Parenting from a wounded self meant that I parented technically – filtering my mothering through everything I had read rather than through connection, intuition, presence, and the unique soul of each child. One size does not fit all.

And although I did not repeat my parents’ mistakes, I made new ones, because I was not mothering from a healed self.

Healing required me to reparent myself – to listen to the parts of me that needed a voice, needed witnessing, needed validation, needed space to process and soften. Only then could I access the true depth of love for my children, because only then had I loved all the pieces of the child I once was.

By that stage, my children were adults.

So I know I missed entire chapters of parenting from a position of love. A healed mother understands instinctively the protectiveness of the lioness, the roar of the bear, the flight of the eagle, and the quiet beauty of sheltering her chicks beneath her wings.

My children were my greatest teachers. That is their gift to me.
And it is both my greatest accomplishment – and my greatest grief – that I became the mother they needed in my autumn years.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Sunday, 7 December 2025

I’ve been thinking today about how grateful I am for my life. I carry a sense of belonging now that I never knew when I was young. Back then I felt unrooted, drifting, strangely lost in ways I couldn’t name. But one of the quiet advantages of reaching my autumn years is the ability to shut out the noise that doesn’t matter and to walk a path aligned with my soul.

It also helps that I am, proudly, a reformed people-pleaser. I love being able to say that out loud – it feels deeply earned.