healing

Respect or Deference: The Quiet Difference That Shapes Our Relationships

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A relationship based on respect versus one based on deference produces entirely different outcomes.

A relationship based on respect says:

  • “You and I are equal in dignity.”
  • Differences of opinion, boundaries, and needs can be spoken.
  • Boundaries are allowed and respected.
  • Authority can exist without humiliation.
  • Differences do not threaten the bond.
  • Responsibility is shared.
  • Repair is possible.

Succinctly, respect is mutual recognition.
It requires emotional maturity, tolerance of discomfort, accountability, and a stable sense of self.

Deference, on the other hand, is a relationship based on:

  • “I feel safe only if you don’t challenge me.”
  • One person adapts; the other does not.
  • One person must stay quiet, agreeable, or invisible.
  • Authority is experienced as a threat unless it belongs to me.
  • Conflict is dangerous.
  • Withdrawal or punishment replaces dialogue.

Deference, briefly put, is one-sided safety.
It requires submission, silence, self-erasure, and avoidance of accountability.

Relationships based on deference are often experienced as calm—initially.
But that calm exists only because tension is suppressed, nothing is named, and one person absorbs all discomfort while the other never has to adjust. Calm is maintained because one person shrinks, becomes small, and is rendered insignificant.

Deference-based relationships are unhealthy because one person’s comfort is protected while the other remains indefinitely uncomfortable and is expected to accept their lot. This creates an emotional hierarchy—often reinforced by wealth, status, or power.

That hierarchy collapses quickly when one person sets a boundary, asks for fairness, asserts authority, or names the impact of the other’s behaviour. Because they no longer fall into line, they are seen as the problem. The system fails the moment adult emotional maturity is required.

For emotional hierarchy to function, one person must swallow resentment, apologise for being reasonable, over-function, doubt themselves, and avoid naming the truth.

In short: a relationship based on deference feels calm only as long as one person disappears.
A relationship based on respect can tolerate truth, boundaries, and shared authority.

I grew up in a household that expected deference rather than respect. Love was tied to endurance, not mutual adjustment. My parents held the emotional gravity: family life organised itself around their moods, while I adapted, managed, smoothed over, absorbed, and stayed quiet. Conflict threatened the bond because love was equated with restraint.

When my father died, my family imploded. I became estranged from my mother. I grieved that loss for two years. And then—unexpectedly—it gave me freedom: to find my voice, my sense of self, and my dignity.

I finally found self-respect.

The greatest gift my parents inadvertently gave me was this clarity:
relationships grounded in mutual respect are the only ones built on true love, emotional maturity, and stability.

I found myself by expecting respect as the foundation of my relationships—and from that came genuine happiness and security.

The Roots of Self-Respect

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I remember being a child and wanting whatever fad swept through school. My father would always ask, “If everyone jumped into the fire, would you?”
Of course I wouldn’t – logic told me fire burns.
But as I grew older, the simplicity of that logic met reality.

Do people deserve respect when they do not respect me?

Intangible matters have a way of blurring what once felt obvious. Being disrespected hurt – it embarrassed me, made me feel small, insignificant, even ashamed. Like everyone else, I thrived when I was treated with dignity.

But I also noticed something unexpected: I did not feel stronger, safer, or better about myself when I disrespected those who had disrespected me. It felt hollow. It felt beneath me.

Somewhere along the way I learned that a strong sense of self is the shield against disrespect. It allowed me to remain respectful regardless of the other person, regardless of the room I stood in, regardless of how sharp or gifted I was with words.

There is enormous power in simply looking at someone with quiet, candid pity – not hostility –  and staying grounded in myself. Sometimes the most dignified act is to walk away without letting their chaos infiltrate my inner world.

When I mastered this, I realised how deeply empowering it was. It affected others more than any noise, rage, or rudeness could. More importantly, it freed me. I was no longer at the mercy of other people’s emotional storms. I became separate from their flaws, their turmoil, their behaviour – and that separateness became my truest form of self-respect.

And in that space, I discovered a powerful truth:
When you no longer need to react to disrespect, you naturally begin to respect everyone – not because they deserve it, but because you do.
Your calm becomes a mirror. Their behaviour no longer belongs to you.

Disrespecting others, to me, is a sign that somewhere inside, I have forgotten how to respect myself.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

When Your Heart Needs A Whisper

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Dear Child,

as adult as you feel, remember:

Shhhhhhh

Shhhhhhhh

Let me whisper this to your soul.

EVERYTHING will be okay.

Right now, you feel numb, detached, unable to imagine joy.

These feelings consume you.

Breathe their immense force deliberately into you.

Shhhhhh.

Shhhhhh

Gently put those feelings down onto the floor.

Now listen to your heartbeat,

Place your hand on your heart.

Feel yourself breathing

Sit still.

Sit very very still.

And close your eyes.

Let everything that comes up, flow through you.

Feel its ebb and flow.

See, my dear friend – today you got through it.

Today was a good day.

Because you got through it.

Hugs to you

All my love,

~ Evgenia Pimżin

When Giving Becomes Madness

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Do not fight for people who do not choose you —
whether family or friend.
Do not keep trying harder and harder,
hoping they will see your worth,
your big heart,
your beautiful soul.

Do not grieve the loss you never actually had.
Do not sit with the endless “why?”, “why?”, “why?”,
questioning your worth,
your soul, their heart.

Who watches another give, give, give
and accepts the take, take, take,
yet values so little of that person’s time?
Who accepts the handouts, but returns little of value in return?
Who feels offended and insulted
when suddenly the giver stops giving?

You have stepped into the madness of relationships
that inhabit a long pause in the sentence of connection —
a pause paid for by your hands, not theirs.

And now, two choices lie before you —
not tomorrow, not next week, but now.

Continue what you are doing,
but do not complain, do not grieve, do not sulk.

Or stop.
Stop the madness and choose to finally have your own back —
with love,
with self-respect,
and with the clear intention of building your future
on your own terms.

But you cannot have it both ways.
They have shown you that already.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Are You Lying To Your Soul?

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Relationships are complex atoms – made of many subatomic parts – but the forces that govern them are deeply personal. Behind every person is their own history, their own pathway of experiences, beliefs, thoughts, passions and triggers.

At the heart of relationships, whether intimate or not, one core question must be asked: “What will I tolerate? And what will I not?” Until you can answer those two questions with absolute clarity – not based on hope or potential – you will simply go round in circles.

People are, in truth, very predictable.
It is you and I, with our soft hearts, who have allowed too much for too long.

Because we live with big hearts, we think that if we are good enough, do enough, love deeply enough, focus on their good moments and their small flashes of appreciation, we will somehow be rewarded with a good life.

Faulse, my dear friend.
Completely faulse.

Unless a person’s behaviour truly changes, unless they actively seek the skills they need to heal and to do better, their words that they will change are merely manipulation.

And I will tell you the kindest truth you may ever hear:
You can choose to hope that they will one day look at your beautiful face with love pouring from their every pore.
But then, I fear, you cannot complain.

Because if you keep entering a hungry lion’s cage,
you will be bitten – again and again and again.

So, I wrap my arms around your soul,
and ask you to think long,
think earnestly,
and honestly.

Ask yourself, “Am I lying to my soul?”

Do not rush to answer this question.
But do not take too long.
Because your future is – and always will be – your concern alone.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

On Rising Quietly

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Dear Child,

as grown as you are, remember –

You will not always feel certain.
There will be mornings when the light feels strange,

and the night feels foreign.


You’ll wonder if you’ve taken a wrong turn now

or whether you had deceived yourself

and you had been on this road for a long time?

You will ask yourself, “Why did I not get off earlier?”

And I will tell you why.

You were not ready.

You had not accepted the learning yet.

And so, when you are left with your quiet thoughts

when self-doubt consumes you,

when you stab yourself with a thousand accusatory thoughts.

STOP.

Stop NOW.

You do not need this further negative clout.
whispering all the ways you could have done it better.

Do not mistake this moment for failure.
It is only the soul’s way of asking you to pause.
Rest your soul.

Be kind to your heart.

Connect with what you need

You have walked through too many storms
to doubt the sturdiness of your own feet now.
You know how to start over –

You know this with certainty.

Rise,

gracefully, quietly, without permission.
That is where your strength lies.

Not in getting everything right

but in knowing when you need to rise.


The ability to rise again

is actually the lesson in disguise.

So, do not announce your climb.

Take a deep breath.


And tend to yourself.
with your tender heart.

All my love,
— Evgenia Pimżin

When My Guard Finally Rested

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Hate used to visit my heart, but at some point, I realized it was not meant to live there.

It came came as my defender when I was hurt – when betrayal cut too deep, when I felt unseen in my pain. Butor a time, hate felt powerful and purposeful. But what began as armour soon hardened into eternal rage and isolation.

One day I woke up and realized I didn’t need to fight.

There was no war, even if my body hadn’t realised it yet.

Those who wronged me had faded into their own stories, but my heart still kept guard at a door no one was trying to enter.

It was time to let that guard rest.
And allow the tears to come instead of the rage.
Grieve the dream that died, the love that never came, the apology that never arrived.
Letting grief in, did hurt, – yes – but it flowed finally through me when I allowed it.

Hatred on the other hand had stayed far too long, like an unwanted guest, until I showed it the door.

Forgiveness I learned is not forgetting.

I will never forget.

Forgiveness was uncoupling myself from the weight that no longer belonged to my present.

So, I learned boundaries instead.

I learned self-respect.

Self-honour.

Self-integrity.

I learned to surround myself with people who built me up.

I let others reveal themselves first.

I let them earn my trust slowly.

Above all, I learned to always have my own back – unapologetically.

I learned to protect my peace, but with an open hand, not a closed fist.

I carried this burden long enough. In hindsight, far too long.
I lay it down purposely and deliberately, everyday,
because there is more ahead of me – a life waiting to be lived – than the life that no longer exists.

And I refuse to waste anymore of my precious time what was never mine to hold.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

The Quiet Rebellion of Happiness

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I spent a long time collecting reasons not to be happy – and all of them were valid.

I was hurt, overlooked, mistreated, misunderstood.

I carried what others should have carried. They should have known better, been accountable, changed their ways. I remembering trying to speak to them about their behaviour, or confided in someone who brushed off my experience.

Sometimes, I kept their secrets to protect a loved one, or endured their silences because I refused to play their game. I built walls not because I wanted to, but because the world taught me early that softness was unsafe.

There came to an impasse, where I had decide that the past no longer defined the quality of my present. Happiness , I decided, was not a reward for those who had an easy story – it was an act of rebellion for those like me.

It was a quiet, deliberate choice to stop rehearsing my pain and begin reclaiming my life on my terms, because deep down, I already knew what I knew.

Choosing happiness did not erase what happened. It did not excuse cruelty or dismiss my wounds. It simply meant I no longer was willing to make those wounds – or the people who caused them – my mental and emotional home. I can honour my pain without worshipping it. I can remember without reliving.

And yes, the world, kept insisting that happiness was naïve, that in choosing happiness, I ignored depth, injustice, reality and that I was a victim.

But now I know this – happiness, when chosen consciously, is the deepest form of wisdom.

It is not the absence of awareness; it is the presence of perspective. It is what happened when I stopped waiting for others to change and began building a life that nourishes my spirit today, on my terms.

So I released the need to make every scar my identity.

I allowed myself to have joy even if my story is unfinished, even if my heart still trembled when I trusted again. I refuse to believe that I am betraying my past when I choose to live fully.

I am redeeming my life. I am telling the past, I am done with being your prisoner.

And in that space, I learned happiness is neither always laughter or sunlight.

Sometimes it’s a quiet evening where I breath steady again.

Sometimes it’s choosing to let something go without bitterness.

Sometimes it’s simply waking up and saying, “I am still here, and that is enough for today.”

I have learned that the choice to be happy is not about pretending.

It is about returning to myself, and to the life that is still waiting beyond my pain.

I meet it daily noe because it has been waiting patiently for me.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

The Gold Beneath the Mud

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I have never been uncomfortable with difficult feelings – sadness, grief, shame, guilt.
It’s not that I embrace them or draw some unhealthy satisfaction from their presence.
It’s simply that I find profound truths inside them, a clarity like still water that settles my mind, my thoughts, my heart, and ultimately guides me toward my soul.

On the other side of difficult feelings, I always find release – from people, situations, or choices that were never meant for me.
So I invite these feelings in, like a loyal friend who refuses to be “nice” at all costs, who will not smooth over truth or hide discomfort under polite veneers.
They reveal the absence of genuine care in places where care should have been.

The truest friends are the ones who sit in the mud with you, who remain quiet witnesses to your hard passages, and say, “You can walk this path. I know you will. And I’ll be here when you reach the other side.”
Their faith becomes a kind of shelter.

I have no need for those who flinch at my difficult feelings.
They are bright trinkets – costume jewellery at best.
A shine that was never earned.

This too is a difficult truth to speak into being:
deciding who to let in, who to keep at a distance, and who to greet gently but never invite beyond the frivolities of passing time.

These truths are guides to a richer life.
So I embrace them.
They are the most excellent companions –worth the finest gold.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

On Forgiveness

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Dear Child,

as adult as you are, remember,

Forgiveness does not always feel like freedom.
Nor does it feel just or fair.
Sometimes it roars, “Why should I?”

Because forgiveness means weighing it
against grief, loss, betrayal, neglect, and abuse.
It means letting go of the justice you deserved
and choosing to live on your own terms —
to finally cut the umbilical cord
between you and them.

And as days, weeks, and years pass,
the hollow space around your heart begins to lighten.
You’ll remember that forgiveness was never about excusing them;
it was about unburdening you —
letting you rise again.

It is letting your peace have the final word
they never deserved.

Because it was never about them.

All my love,

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Saturday, 15 November 2025

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I will share my deepest secret with you. My writing has always been my closest heart-companion. Long ago, I realised that for others to witness the full orchestral range of my soul is often too much for them to digest. So I accepted that people feel far more connected to me than I have ever felt to them.

In that quiet space, I made peace with my loneliness. I stopped fighting it and instead leaned into the one place where I have always been fully met – my writing. It has heard me more faithfully than any relationship.

I hope this blog becomes the voice I send into the universe – a small bridge to the connection my soul has long yearned for.