Personal growth

On Beginning Again

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I am starting a new chapter tomorrow.

At nearly 59, I am teaching in a new post.
I am excited — and also very anxious.

I am acutely aware of the difference between starting a new chapter in my twenties and starting one in my fifties.

In my twenties, I don’t recall overthinking to the degree I do now. Yet I was the least confident version of myself. People, back then, made me nervous because I didn’t know if they were genuine or not, and I was unsure how their intentions might impact me in the workplace. I also knew I lacked a significant degree of professional and communication skills — and yet, I walked in believing I would somehow survive, eventually learn the ropes, and thrive.

All I had to do was allow the day to unfold and keep turning up.

Now, I wonder whether I will be able to navigate the labyrinth of all this newness — and even as I type, I find myself challenging the gremlins in my mind.

What labyrinth?
What if there is no labyrinth?
What if I simply let the day unfold?

What if I treated the day like a recipe?
Step one.
Step two.
Step three.

Maybe it’s time to simply drop the feeling onto the floor.
Maybe I don’t need to pick up the baggage at all.

Yes — like that.
On the floor.

I want the day to be over, and yet I also want to remember it in fine detail — so I don’t miss the feedback, the magic, the excitement.

New chapters teach me just as much about the woman I am in my fifties as they did about the woman I was in my twenties — just different lessons, different mirrors, different insecurities following me.

Maybe that is what this is really about: learning to meet each new version of myself so I can step into the next chapter with continued growth, allowing myself to become someone new again.

Maybe my mind wants to settle and retire from “new,” but my soul does not.

As a twenty-year-old, I never wanted to settle or retire. I wanted to remain eternally curious about life and living.

Ah — that’s what it is.

I am a little nervous about curiosity these days because it brings change, and my soul is tired of change.

But I see now what my soul truly needs.

I need to be kind to myself.
I need to reassure the voice inside my head that I have her back — and that together, we will be just fine.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Assuming I belong

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There is always a part of me that feels I don’t belong. It doesn’t matter who I’m with — family or not, loving or not, accepting or not. The thought is persistent and irrational, a quiet but insistent whisper that lives somewhere in my mind.

I recognise it immediately when it appears. My heart sinks into the hollow between my breasts, my breath becomes shallow, and my body stiffens, then numbs. These physical signals are familiar to me. Inevitably, I feel disconnected from my surroundings, as though I’ve slipped into a psychological tunnel, far away from the people beside me — even when our shoulders are touching.

I know this thought, and the way my body responds to it, is unproductive and, frankly, toxic.

Yesterday, a friend invited me to a Sunday indoor spa afternoon with a group of women. My first instinct was to decline. Instead, I paused. I questioned the messages running through my mind — and the stories my eyes were already telling me.

I questioned my inner voice.

What if I do belong?
What if I simply assumed I belonged?

And then another thought followed: what if belonging requires nothing more than assumption? What if, in that assumption, my heart relaxed — and in relaxing, expanded outward? How differently would I experience my reality then?

So I assumed. And then I assumed some more. I even began to enjoy rewriting the evening in my mind, deciding — deliberately — that these women enjoyed and valued my company too.

There were five of us. We met at four in the afternoon. There was small talk, cheese platters, fruit, cake, soft drinks, and later coffee. We talked and laughed and shared stories until ten that night. Somewhere along the way, a warm, gentle bubble formed around us — and I was inside it.

We laughed freely. We ate without counting calories or weighing ourselves down with judgment. We were simply present.

I think when the whispers return — and they will — I won’t try to silence them. Instead, I’ll choose to assume a different truth. One that serves me.

I belong wherever I assume I belong.

And it is a delicious feeling.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Living in Truth After a Childhood of Illusions

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The sadness of being emotionally neglected as a child is that I learned never to neglect the people I love. So, when no one turned up for me, I accepted it. At my lowest and darkest, when I lay in a hospital bed, only my husband came. The truth is painful: expecting no one to show up for me is still my reality, although now it is no longer my truth.

Healing is slow and steady. The past, however, has a loud voice, and each day I work to challenge it into the lie that it is.

The fact is, I was my mother’s personal cleaner from the age of three. I scrubbed her house, vacuumed, washed floors, cleaned the bathroom, washed my own clothes, hung them on the line while standing on a ladder, and changed everyone’s sheets. I believed that if I made myself useful enough – good enough – she would finally see my worth.

She never did. And when I confronted her about my childhood, she denied all of it. That was the moment I understood our family was built on illusions. When I stopped protecting those illusions and chose instead to live in truth, I became a threat.

I learned that when people live in illusions, they must defend them. Having those illusions challenged triggers shame. The trouble with shame is that it cannot move; it ferments in the soul. And when shame is triggered, the ego becomes fiercely invested in defending the illusion, not in seeking accountability, growth, or gratitude.

Eventually, every person must choose: uphold the illusion, or live in truth. One path preserves belonging; the other preserves the soul. I chose freedom. And freedom meant exile from the clan.

The grief was profound. I had to face that the worth I believed I had earned—by being useful, patient, responsible – would never be acknowledged or loved. But refusing to live in someone else’s illusion also forced me to confront the illusions I had created for myself.

Freedom is found in truth, but only after grieving the years spent living a lie for the comfort of others. Once the grief dissolves, the path that had always been waiting reveals itself.

In that clearing, a doorway stands open – quiet, steady, and entirely yours.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

The Roots of Self-Respect

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I remember being a child and wanting whatever fad swept through school. My father would always ask, “If everyone jumped into the fire, would you?”
Of course I wouldn’t – logic told me fire burns.
But as I grew older, the simplicity of that logic met reality.

Do people deserve respect when they do not respect me?

Intangible matters have a way of blurring what once felt obvious. Being disrespected hurt – it embarrassed me, made me feel small, insignificant, even ashamed. Like everyone else, I thrived when I was treated with dignity.

But I also noticed something unexpected: I did not feel stronger, safer, or better about myself when I disrespected those who had disrespected me. It felt hollow. It felt beneath me.

Somewhere along the way I learned that a strong sense of self is the shield against disrespect. It allowed me to remain respectful regardless of the other person, regardless of the room I stood in, regardless of how sharp or gifted I was with words.

There is enormous power in simply looking at someone with quiet, candid pity – not hostility –  and staying grounded in myself. Sometimes the most dignified act is to walk away without letting their chaos infiltrate my inner world.

When I mastered this, I realised how deeply empowering it was. It affected others more than any noise, rage, or rudeness could. More importantly, it freed me. I was no longer at the mercy of other people’s emotional storms. I became separate from their flaws, their turmoil, their behaviour – and that separateness became my truest form of self-respect.

And in that space, I discovered a powerful truth:
When you no longer need to react to disrespect, you naturally begin to respect everyone – not because they deserve it, but because you do.
Your calm becomes a mirror. Their behaviour no longer belongs to you.

Disrespecting others, to me, is a sign that somewhere inside, I have forgotten how to respect myself.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Are You Lying To Your Soul?

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Relationships are complex atoms – made of many subatomic parts – but the forces that govern them are deeply personal. Behind every person is their own history, their own pathway of experiences, beliefs, thoughts, passions and triggers.

At the heart of relationships, whether intimate or not, one core question must be asked: “What will I tolerate? And what will I not?” Until you can answer those two questions with absolute clarity – not based on hope or potential – you will simply go round in circles.

People are, in truth, very predictable.
It is you and I, with our soft hearts, who have allowed too much for too long.

Because we live with big hearts, we think that if we are good enough, do enough, love deeply enough, focus on their good moments and their small flashes of appreciation, we will somehow be rewarded with a good life.

Faulse, my dear friend.
Completely faulse.

Unless a person’s behaviour truly changes, unless they actively seek the skills they need to heal and to do better, their words that they will change are merely manipulation.

And I will tell you the kindest truth you may ever hear:
You can choose to hope that they will one day look at your beautiful face with love pouring from their every pore.
But then, I fear, you cannot complain.

Because if you keep entering a hungry lion’s cage,
you will be bitten – again and again and again.

So, I wrap my arms around your soul,
and ask you to think long,
think earnestly,
and honestly.

Ask yourself, “Am I lying to my soul?”

Do not rush to answer this question.
But do not take too long.
Because your future is – and always will be – your concern alone.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

When the Past Won’t Apologize

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Dear child,

As adult as you feel, remember :

Let me be the one to tell you, life is not fair.

You did not deserve to be treated cruelly.
You deserved respect and dignity.
You deserved to feel safe and secure.
You are owed an apology.

But you did not get it.
And so, what are you going to do now?
Look to the past?
Struggle to be present?
Miss out on creating a future?

That is a waste of your precious time.

You need time to heal – I hear you say.
This is wise.

Focus on your healing, not the past.
Distract your mind by focusing on the now.

See that flower? describe it to your mind.
Watch your mind follow your lead.

Show it a passing bird.
Listen for its music.
Look for a stunning tree.
Touch its leaves.
Let your hand trace its bark.
Close your eyes and feel
its patterns under your palm.

Dig deep to show your mind
what you want it to notice.
Practice this daily –
like a muscle in training.

Yes, you will still have your pity parties.
That’s fine. Just time them.
Don’t live there.

Take the reins in your own hands –
and start to ride.

All my love,

~ Evgenia Pimżin

21 November 2025

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Today I’ve been sorting, refining, and categorizing my writings from the last thirty years for my website. It’s fascinating to reread the shifting landscape of my mind – the years of confusion, the years of clarity; the seasons where I didn’t know where to place my pain, and the gentle periods of letting it go.

At the heart of it all, I can see myself slowly gaining life skills, precision in thought, and a deeper trust in my own inner compass – shaped by self-knowledge, personal beliefs, and the path my soul was determined to walk.

In revisiting these old haunts, I feel proud of who I have become. Proud that I stayed the course. Proud that I learned to own my life on my own terms and quietly triumphed.

The Peace that Belongs to You

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Forgiving isn’t excusing.

It is uncoupling yourself from the person or event that keeps pulling you backward.
You don’t forgive because they deserve peace.
You forgive because you do.

You can still have boundaries.
You can still remember what happened.
But you stop offering your inner life as a battleground for someone else’s choices.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

Align Yourself with Your Rhythm

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Dear Child,

as grown as you are, remember –

You are not running late in your own life.

The world may try to convince you that you should be somewhere else by now – more accomplished, more certain, more defined – but the truth is, you are exactly where your soul needs you to be.

Life is not a race; it is a rhythm, and yours moves to a quieter tempo that cannot be rushed.

There are seasons that bloom loudly, with visible progress and recognition, and others that unfold in stillness, where growth happens silently beneath the surface.

Do not mistake stillness for failure or slowness for loss. The roots that deepen in silence are the ones that hold strongest when the winds of life arrive. Some of your greatest transformations will happen unseen, and that does not make them any less real.

When envy or impatience creeps in, breathe and ask yourself whose pace you are trying to match. Whose race are you running?

The world will measure your worth by speed, success, and applause, but your soul knows better. It measures in truth, in integrity, and in the quiet moments when you choose not to give up on yourself.

You can begin again at any hour, in any year, with whatever pieces remain in your hands. Readiness is not a prerequisite for growth – courage is.

The moment you stop waiting for certainty, life begins to unfold around you. Trust that your rhythm is not a delay; it is alignment in disguise.

You do not need to chase what is meant for you. The right opportunities, the right people, the right moments, the right callings – will always recognise your peace and find you when you are ready to receive them.

So, rest in that truth. Keep moving forward, keep creating your life.

Live by your time. Move gently. Your life is not behind; it is becoming, in its own perfect way.

All my love,
— Evgenia Pimżin

The Quiet Rebellion of Happiness

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I spent a long time collecting reasons not to be happy – and all of them were valid.

I was hurt, overlooked, mistreated, misunderstood.

I carried what others should have carried. They should have known better, been accountable, changed their ways. I remembering trying to speak to them about their behaviour, or confided in someone who brushed off my experience.

Sometimes, I kept their secrets to protect a loved one, or endured their silences because I refused to play their game. I built walls not because I wanted to, but because the world taught me early that softness was unsafe.

There came to an impasse, where I had decide that the past no longer defined the quality of my present. Happiness , I decided, was not a reward for those who had an easy story – it was an act of rebellion for those like me.

It was a quiet, deliberate choice to stop rehearsing my pain and begin reclaiming my life on my terms, because deep down, I already knew what I knew.

Choosing happiness did not erase what happened. It did not excuse cruelty or dismiss my wounds. It simply meant I no longer was willing to make those wounds – or the people who caused them – my mental and emotional home. I can honour my pain without worshipping it. I can remember without reliving.

And yes, the world, kept insisting that happiness was naïve, that in choosing happiness, I ignored depth, injustice, reality and that I was a victim.

But now I know this – happiness, when chosen consciously, is the deepest form of wisdom.

It is not the absence of awareness; it is the presence of perspective. It is what happened when I stopped waiting for others to change and began building a life that nourishes my spirit today, on my terms.

So I released the need to make every scar my identity.

I allowed myself to have joy even if my story is unfinished, even if my heart still trembled when I trusted again. I refuse to believe that I am betraying my past when I choose to live fully.

I am redeeming my life. I am telling the past, I am done with being your prisoner.

And in that space, I learned happiness is neither always laughter or sunlight.

Sometimes it’s a quiet evening where I breath steady again.

Sometimes it’s choosing to let something go without bitterness.

Sometimes it’s simply waking up and saying, “I am still here, and that is enough for today.”

I have learned that the choice to be happy is not about pretending.

It is about returning to myself, and to the life that is still waiting beyond my pain.

I meet it daily noe because it has been waiting patiently for me.

~ Evgenia Pimżin

For the Years Ahead of You

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Dear child,
as adult as you feel, remember this:

you do not know it yet,
not in this present moment.

So, I tell you early –
while you are still young
and tender in your naivety.

Enjoy your beauty,
but honour your mind, heart, and soul more.
Guard them like gold, silver, and bronze.
Value them beyond the purest diamonds,
for your mind, heart, and soul
will walk with you
until the very end of time.

And there –
that is where true beauty lives.
It ripens the heart with kindness,
sharpens discernment,
softens the eyes with age and wisdom.

A heart that leans on beauty alone
grows brittle and shallow.
A soul held hostage
by time and appearance
forgets how to live.

And if you miss that calling,
you miss the marrow of life itself.
You will only exist
within the walls you build around yourself –
the desperation to stay relevant
keeping your body moving,
your heart pumping,
but nothing more.

So, beloved,
embrace what stays
forever yours.

All my love,

~ Evgenia Pimżin